I’ve had a couple of weeks to think about the recent events that have occurred, and rather than people talk behind my back, come to me with what they believe is the truth, wince at the thought of what I did to one person, or avoid discussion with me based upon the facts they heard, I felt it necessary to express my views on the recent events. Now, I’m not telling you what to believe, or what not to. But, what I am telling you is nothing but the truth, which is far more than any of you will probably want to hear and in some cases deserve. However, I think it’s best, because I don’t want to hide from my past, but share it, if only to help me sleep better at night.
I write this blog post not to ask for your forgiveness, your friendship, trust, or understanding. Instead, I write this blog post to confess my secrets, misgivings, and the misunderstood story that has seemed to leak out. I feel you all should know the truth from both sides of the story, and not a tale that has been patched up in haste. That seems like a lot to say, coming from someone who you may not necessarily believe, but that again is your prerogative. The purpose of this post is to merely provide an unending truth to the fallacy that some of heard or read.
The truth is no matter who you are we’ve all lied. Whether it white, or black, we’ve all done it. Either to provide a cover to what we want others to believe, or a dark secret that we don’t wish to admit. I would much rather head it face forward, no matter what kind of person it makes me out to be. I’m not afraid of who I am, what I’ve done, or what others will think of me, but I do think that at least my closest friends that I deeply care about deserve an answer from me, and not what they have learned. I only ask that after reading this blog post, some will see how upset this has made me, and at what lengths I will go to share what I feel is important.
Many of you know that I’ve been in a relationship for the last 23 months, but that has come to an abrupt halt two weeks ago, when it was discovered that I was being dishonest over the last two to three months. The relationship was everything I could ask for, except after recent events, I felt things were ripping apart at the seems. Instead of coming out and being honest about it though, I was hoping that the truth would come out, because I discovered something seemingly innocent, but in reality ate me up from the inside. You see? I believe that if you truly love someone, they should be able to tell you anything, even if it is something their ashamed to admit, because it shows a trust factor that keeps the foundation of the relationship standing under any pressures or cracks. That however did not happen.
Two weeks ago, I was confronted and asked if I had anything to say. As soon as I had understood what they were talking about, I openly admitted that I had involvement in a few online dating groups on Facebook. Well, not only will I admit that I have had involvement in the groups for the last two to three months, but I was even asked to be an admin. Furthermore, I will even admit now that I have also been on Plenty Of Fish as well. Once I realized that I wasn’t going to be told the truth, nor was I going to hear an apology, I really didn’t see the point to continue trying. This person still doesn’t feel they did anything wrong, and even though they apologized for their actions, they could not see that I was extremely upset.
Now, this you would think be all, but there is a bit more that I think only a few really know, but mot anymore. In fact, parts of this story involve others. However, as I have done so thus far, I will leave out names, to respect their feelings and identities. What really boiled me though was that she learned about this from others, and not me. I do not feel ashamed of what I had done, and I do not blame others for my mistakes, but I’m a firm believer that if it doesn’t involve you, then you should stay out of it. After all, I’m sure most would agree that you wouldn’t like your dirty laundry discussed amongst others, especially if they’re only hearing half the story.
Over the past two weeks, I’ve been confronted by two people whether or not the story was true. Well, all I told them was that there is always two sides to every coin. I was raised to believe that the statement; “It takes two to tango!” is something to live by, and I do. I do feel partially responsible about what happened, but not ashamed. They on the other hand, have not shown any guilt in the matter whatsoever. During our last conversation though, I did ask that if I were to respect her wishes, which was to give her time to get over this horrific event, that I ask it be kept between us. Well, it was clearly evident to me that that didn’t happen, because I was asked in a matter of hours by someone whether or not if it was true or not. Still though, rather than retaliate, I left my feelings of expressing myself to her, or others quiet, because I actually at one point respected her, and was hoping for at least a friendship.
What many of you may not know is that she three or four months ago invited a male friend over to stay with her while she recovered from a procedure. This wouldn’t have bothered me if I hadn’t found out like everyone else who it was on Twitter and Facebook through Swarm updates if she had just told me on who it was, but as I expect many of you learned the same way I did, and I doubt there was any discussion about this person coming to stay with her before hand. I will add though, if you happened to have known about it, then my distain for her would even grow wider, as I was not informed. Worst yet? She bluntly lied to me saying she told me. If she had, I would have told her how I felt about the whole matter. I will say though, during a conversation we had a week or so after he arrived, she told me, as if I already knew, that inviting him was a mistake, as he was acting “weird”, which came from her mouth. I only said at that point “You think?”.
From this point, that conversation about her friend staying while she recovered from surgery was never brought back up, only because perhaps she thought that I already knew, but I tend to think it’s because she was ashamed. When we discussed the future of our relationship two weeks ago, I had to believe that it was the latter. You see? If she had came to be before hand, and told me about this, I would have left the decision to her to make, but would express the uneasiness that that situation may have on me, and quite possibly our relationship.
I am not the jealous type, but I do think that if I can’t trust you in a relationship, then I will grow uneasy, and will let my thoughts get the best of me. However, I will also tell you that I am the type of man who will let my partner make there own choices, whether they’re good or bad. The trust however is earned when you can show me how honest you are. Before this point, I would like to believe that I was brutally honest, even showing a fit of rage. Now, I have never hit a woman, but if I feel as if I’m being told something, then I should be given the opportunity to let it sink in. Another words, I would hope they give space if we were at a disagreement, rather then try to find a solution, when I cannot comprehend the situation at hand, because I can usually come to terms with any argument put in front of me, and find a true mutual understanding.
Past relationships I have had is something I hate to make examples of, but for the sake of your deeper understanding I will briefly discuss. Most relationships I’ve been in have ended usually on a sour note, but for a couple, have ended in what I would like to think friendship, if only because we have a better understanding of each other, and what we were willing to bring to the relationship to make it work. I may not be best of friends to those I have ended on good terms in my past relationships, but I would like to think we have a mutual understanding, and a willingness to put the past behind us, and move forward.
In our last conversation, as I expressed my desire to walk away from the relationship, she was deeply upset. This isn’t surprising, and I feel somewhat at fault, but not entirely. My thoughts on the matter is, for the last two to three months instead of her coming out and telling me what happened, she assumed I knew. What makes me feel even more resentful, she and I had a discussion during my spring break that was in earnest her thoughts on where our relationship was headed. Never did the discussion of her deception of her male friend ever came up. At this point, she knew I knew, so after the conversation I felt that if she couldn’t give me an apology for that mistake, then I didn’t feel as if she needed an explanation to feel the way I did.
Now, it doesn’t matter to me whether anything happened or not between her and her male friend who stayed with her for a couple of weeks, and quite frankly I really don’t care. What hurts me is why I had to find out like everyone else. Am I saying two wrongs make a right? Should I have told her at that point how I felt? Perhaps, but I was hoping that she could be honest, admit that it was a mistake, and come forward about her intentions before hand, as I would have probably not taken it so hard. No, two wrongs don’t make a right, but I firmly believe in the saying “You reap what you sow.” It’s not a nice way of expressing oneself, or trying to point a finger at the person, because I’ll admit that I am just as guilty for not coming out to her and telling her about my activities over the last couple of months.
I mentioned earlier that I don’t think it’s right that others should get involved with one’s business. In a way, I cannot blame them for what they did, because they may have done what they did to provide solace and comfort, but in reality I feel a bit betrayed. Now, I shouldn’t feel this way, and it’s easy to pick sides, but I want those to understand that I’m not looking for their loyalty, respect, or sympathy. I will ask that they look for the whole truth, rather then only being observant to one side of the story. Especially, since I would like to think I have been there for some of those, when they were looking for an ear to pull. It does sadden me, but I don’t look at any of those that have heard the story from her and not me any differently. I believe a friendship is built with trust and a great foundation of communication, none of which I think I or my recent girlfriend really had.
To say my recent relationship was void of trust and communication is a lie, but to believe that it did have both of these to anchors to keep our relationship intact, is a bit far fetched, considering where I feel it ended. We both saw the big white elephant in the room. Her idea was to talk about it after I felt that it was to hurtful and painful to revisit. I felt it would be better to try to admit we both made a mistake, and rather than drag ourselves over this obstacle, walk away while we both had heartbreak, and sympathy for one another. Honestly, I’d much rather walk away before we got into a looping argument that could possibly end horribly and risk what little friendship we could have. Maybe some would see this as a way out, but I see it as a solution to an enigma that could make both of us unhappy.
In conclusion, I’m not here to bash her or those that wish to believe her. I’m not praising those that believe me, and prefer to not talk to her either. I’m here to shed light on the situation. I was not innocent in the matter, and as I said, am not ashamed for my decision. Honestly, it wasn’t easy for me to come to either. I feel regretful that it couldn’t turn out differently, but don’t think it would have. Perhaps I’m being judgmental, and not considering what could have happened, but I’m also pretty sure that if things had continued, the deception and secrets would have continued. I’m a very patient man, and I waited for her feelings to come to light why the discussion we had during my spring break came to light, and the connection it may have had with her friend that stayed with her a week or two prior, but that did not happen. Is this asking to much? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it didn’t happen.
My feeling is, is that if she truly had concerns about our relationship, it would have been the first thing on her mind. She claims that she needed guidance and was using the excuse that she never experienced a situation quite like ours before, but in defense, I think that that is a poor explanation for me to accept, considering it wasn’t the first time I heard it. We all have mental quandaries that we deal with everyday, but I would never use one to explain away a mistake I made ever again, as I have before, and it ruined my marriage.
My ex-wife was and to this very day still is my soul mate. We may not love one another, but we would have never gotten married if we believed that we didn’t have something to prove, and not to others, but ourselves. We walked away with wonderful memories, but not on good terms, and for that very reason I am very careful who I select to be in a relationship with. Those that I have had a good start in a relationship with, that I’ve meet or was able to walk away friends, I feel carry a piece of my heart. I hold no grudge, and remain at the very least mutual to prove no hard feelings. In turn, I only ask for the same.
Since this event has occurred, I have not opened my mouth to anyone discussing what happened. I asked for the same, but was again confronted by two people that already knew what was going on. To me, airing dirty laundry between myself and her to others is disrespectful. I would never confront someone to share my feelings, no matter what they were, unless I felt that I needed advise, and if I did, I would ask for it in a discrete way if possible to provide privacy that the person involved doesn’t become upset down the road. What I’m sharing with all of you is the best way I can share this situation, without revealing names. I ask that those of you that have read this and know who and the others discussed in the blog post to keep it to yourselves, as I am not here to piss anyone off. This blog post is just to let free my feelings in a discrete way that will hopefully put my thoughts at ease, knowing there’s a possibility that some can relate to, and hopefully avoid the scenario, should it happen to them.
In conclusion, I assure you the reader that I again am not looking for your sympathy or empathy. I only ask that you consider what I’ve shared with you and ponder it’s validity, and ask yourself if you truly be happy with that. I did walk away from the relationship. I did break her heart. I am not ashamed of joining those Facebook groups or for accepting being an admin. For that matter, I’m not ashamed of creating an account on Plenty of Fish as well. I do not blame the problem entirely on her, and I would hope that we could walk away friends and put this behind us. Whether or not that happens is still indeterminate. I only ask that you can see that I have put everything out on the table to express my deepest sorrow and regret for upsetting someone that I at one point thought I truly cared about. Regardless, friendship is never to far away, and I am always here with a listening ear should you feel the need to discuss this or any other conversation in full confidence. Thank you for reading this, and thank you for being a friend if you aren’t already one. If you aren’t a friend, don’t hesitate to step forward!